I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
