She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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