I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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