i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
