I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
