you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
