Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
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"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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