i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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