Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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