it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
