I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
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I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
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As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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