he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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