Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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