so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
