I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
