i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
