my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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