I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
