dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
