Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
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Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
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I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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