i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
