Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You left your phone here
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