: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
