I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
