the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
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vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
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He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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