No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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