I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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