I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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