Swine flu. Run for my life!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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