If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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