remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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