my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
