so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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