I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
