There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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