he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
