why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
