his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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