he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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