Someone shit on the floor
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
