the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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