After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
