I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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