I am midnight drunk by noon
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
