you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
