Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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