My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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