ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
