i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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