We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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