also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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