I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
