I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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