I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
