My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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