Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
