got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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